[warning: lots of whining in this post. In fact, you may want to skip it completely.]
I blew it. I let myself become that person who didn’t put on my own oxygen mask before assisting others (or just doing other stuff).
Here’s how it happened:
- Took a couple of prescriptions off of auto-refill to try to relieve the storage situation at home. Then didn’t remember to turn auto-refill back on until I took my last antidepressant [I know, right?]
- Stopped getting regular exercise [of course, “regular exercise” for me at my best was about 2 50-minute sessions per week but that’s another story]
- No exercise at least partly because my mom went in for knee-replacement surgery (see the post “sandwich, anyone?“) right as work started heating up
All resulting in trying to stretch in too many directions at once:
- mom’s recovery & rehab
- limited flexibility with work schedule, extra nights & Saturdays
- managing my own & the Bear’s diabetes (and why do settings need to be changed at these times? Why?)
- getting myself & the Bear ready and out of the door to work/school on time every morning
- juggling existing commitments when our two great babysitters are both simultaneously not available at all
- figuring out Kindergarten before the fall — meet the nurse, teacher, principal, figure out how lunch will work (since they have never had a T1 who wasn’t older & could count their own carbs and report to the nurse), interview way too many people to possibly be the Bear’s after-school care, get the medical plan from the endo, write the 504 (oops haven’t done that yet), etc., etc.
And, oh yeah — it’s summer and we’d all like to have a little fun so this past weekend it was take the bear to a birthday party Saturday and have a friend of hers over on Sunday for almost 9 hours to help out the friend’s mom & give the bear the play date she’s been wanting (and what do you do with two 5-year olds for 9 hours? you go to the coffee shop, the grocery store, the beach, the playground, and let them play dress-up and give you a checkup as the princess doctors).
There’s more but I’m just making myself feel worse. Anyway, the past few weeks I have been short-tempered, fatigued, unfocused, finding it hard to concentrate, irritable (yes, short-tempered means that, but it has been bad enough that it bears repeating), even clumsier than usual (which I wouldn’t have thought possible – but I have the torn-open knee to prove it), and I have no reliable body-sense of my own blood sugar level.
I do have some degree of hypo-unawareness all the time but this is totally different. I just feel “strange” and can’t tell at all if I’m high, low, just-right. I’ve never had to trust my meter & CGM so blindly. Usually, I can validate the number on the device with how I’m feeling — I test because I feel low and I’m low. I know I need to do a correction bolus because I feel high, so I test, correct. These days, the meter might say 350 and dex says up arrow but I just feel “strange” — like I could be low or high or coming down with something but I have no idea what my body is telling me. And I feel the same no matter what the meter ends up telling me. I feel “strange” and unwell at 105 and 70 and 210 and 40. Just. No. Clue.
I don’t dare change my settings much since I know that a lot of it has to do with more than 3 weeks without my anti-depressant, time off of birth control pills (and other hormonal upheaval), exhaustion from getting up at least once every night (since no matter what I do, the bear has a great morning number if I do get up and check at 2 a.m. but wakes up over 200 if I don’t – really, even if I do nothing, just my wakefulness seems to be controlling her bg), emotions (worry about my mom, the 1-year anniversary of my dad’s death, stress over that one babysitter overdosing the bear severely), and lack of exercise.
I have really gotten to the point where I don’t have anything left over to deal with any of this in a rational or competent way. I’m just waiting for the chemical/hormonal things to straighten themselves out (antidepressant should be here tomorrow) so that I can get a clear enough brain to stop snapping at everyone (like I just did at the bear when she interrupted this for about the 6th time and I’ve already done to the BHE all week when I wanted to write this but couldn’t get more than about 180 seconds of quiet at any one time). I HATE this person that I am right now. I cringe every time I hear that tone of voice, or an exasperated sigh come out of me. I get so frustrated that everything seems to take twice as long as usual because I can’t get out my own way or think clearly enough to do even the simplest tasks.
I *did* go for a brisk walk this afternoon between work & the appointment with the a/c guy. That’s today’s silver lining. I’m hoping to find a few more of those in the next few weeks.