Today’s the day. 16 years ago, I drove myself to the ER – extreme fatigue, weight loss, unrelenting thirst, no appetite, peeing every 15 minutes or so. Did I know that at least 2 of those symptoms pointed to? Of course I did. But, I thought that “juvenile” diabetes wasn’t possible because of my non-juvenile age, and I knew I didn’t really have any risk factors for Type 2 diabetes, so maybe it was just a strange flu.
Years later, here I am. Relatively healthy, my stats mostly in range to keep my risk of complications low. Also raising a little girl who was diagnosed with T1 herself at age 3 and more recently autoimmune hypothyroidism. But, still, she’s relatively healthy too and we’re doing this thing.
I have always insisted on honoring my diaversary. Taking time on that day to give myself a pat on the back for my hard work over another year. I have a tendency to be hard on myself, especially when it comes to managing diabetes. I focus on the out-of-range numbers more than I sometimes should, and I have always struggled with not running myself too low because high bgs feel like a failure. Adding on our daughter’s diabetes has just given me one more set of numbers to blame myself for (never mind the fact that she even has diabetes – did I really need to give her that piece of the genetics??). So, the BHE and I often go out for dinner or do something special on my diaversary and I try to put my focus on all that I have done well instead. This past year, the Bear decided she wanted to celebrate her diaversary, and we talked about how proud we are of how much she knows about taking care of herself and how important it is for her to feel good about healthy choices that she makes.
This year, when the BHE asked me if I wanted to do something, I said no. I’m just not feeling it. I’m doing ok with all the diabetes management – we’re getting through our days, sticking to the meal planning, doing a mediocre job of keeping up with testing and prebolusing – but we also have our CGMs that give us some flexibility on the testing. I know I could be doing better – and, really, what is more important?? – but I’m tired of diabetes and my brain seems to short out at the wrong moments, forgetting to bolus at all (never mind prebolus), or looking back at the Bear’s download just to see how much more attention is being paid during the week when she has school than on the weekends when it is just us.
I haven’t been hanging out in #dsma chat on Wednesday nights, I’m not reading the blogs I usually do, I haven’t rescheduled the d-parent get together for the families in our school that I said I would. I can’t figure out if the Bear’s correction factor needs to be changed and my recent CGM graphs look like the Alps paired with some deep ocean trenches but I haven’t “found” a pattern to address with settings yet.
This too shall pass. It’s not like I’ve never had diabetes burnout and I’ve always gotten through it one way or another. I have the BHE to make sure I don’t fall down on the job of the Bear’s diabetes so she’ll stay safe while I get my sh*t together. It’s possible that the thing I hate most about burnout is how guilty the burnout itself makes me feel and what a waste of energy that guilt is (vicious cycle anyone?). There’s both what you “know” to be true (it’s a marathon, not a sprint; don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good; etc., etc.) and then what just “feels” true – and while sometimes what you know can get what you feel into better alignment, sometimes that just doesn’t work. This is one of those times.